God, I've missed writing. I’ve been spending so much time
trying to make this other post I’m working on perfect, and I’m just not feeling
it, so I haven’t posted anything at all. And it’s been bothering me. Like I won’t
feel full until I say something.
It’s so funny, because I’ve always said that when I don’t
finish communicating a thought, it feels like I haven’t finished chewing.
Just call me a glutton for words I guess.
Okay, I want to talk about something else now. I’m allowed
to not make sense, its finals week. I’m saving all my logic for the exams.
Finals season is so weird. It makes the most despairing human
beings out of all of us. How can the world be so cruel as to put young people in
higher education through a system of pressure and testing like this? Throughout
the rest of year, we tell ourselves (or at least I tell myself) that our #firstworldproblems pale in
comparison to what people even younger than us have to face every day. But these
two weeks, I won’t try to check myself when I unabashedly complain and dwell in
my desperation and frustration and fear and stress.
But at the same time, flowers are blooming better than they
do in those generic calendar pictures (and they smell amazing too); birds are
chirping like insanely frantic musicians (my favorite type of musicians); the
weather is warm enough to only wear one layer, but not really because Berkeley
weather refuses to answer to any standard climate expectations (in other words,
Berkeley weather suits Berkeley perfectly). And it all makes me so happy.
So all in the same moment, I am dreading (like kicking and
screaming status) facing the amount of material I have to absorb in 3 days, but
I am also so at peace with the world and so excited for my future. And then I’m
simultaneously scared as hell that my future won’t measure up to what I’ve
always expected it to be. Then 5 seconds later, I tell myself that my future is
going to be spectacular because that’s the way I look at things: as either
SPECTACULAR or on the path to being SPECTACULAR. And then I take a big breath
and decide I’m ready to face the workload. Then I go on Facebook. And then when
I feel guilty about wasting time, I go on BBC and catch up on world news so
that the people in the café around me think I’m a sophisticated, current events
enthusiast instead of a no-good, social media zombie.
I’m not sure if all of this is an effect of consuming
copious amounts of caffeine. But whatever.
And now I’m writing a blog. But this form of procrastination
I just can’t feel bad about.
