I can't turn this in for final credit, but...

God, I've missed writing. I’ve been spending so much time trying to make this other post I’m working on perfect, and I’m just not feeling it, so I haven’t posted anything at all. And it’s been bothering me. Like I won’t feel full until I say something. 

It’s so funny, because I’ve always said that when I don’t finish communicating a thought, it feels like I haven’t finished chewing. 

Just call me a glutton for words I guess.

Okay, I want to talk about something else now. I’m allowed to not make sense, its finals week. I’m saving all my logic for the exams.

Finals season is so weird. It makes the most despairing human beings out of all of us. How can the world be so cruel as to put young people in higher education through a system of pressure and testing like this? Throughout the rest of year, we tell ourselves (or at least I tell myself)  that our #firstworldproblems pale in comparison to what people even younger than us have to face every day. But these two weeks, I won’t try to check myself when I unabashedly complain and dwell in my desperation and frustration and fear and stress.

But at the same time, flowers are blooming better than they do in those generic calendar pictures (and they smell amazing too); birds are chirping like insanely frantic musicians (my favorite type of musicians); the weather is warm enough to only wear one layer, but not really because Berkeley weather refuses to answer to any standard climate expectations (in other words, Berkeley weather suits Berkeley perfectly).  And it all makes me so happy.

So all in the same moment, I am dreading (like kicking and screaming status) facing the amount of material I have to absorb in 3 days, but I am also so at peace with the world and so excited for my future. And then I’m simultaneously scared as hell that my future won’t measure up to what I’ve always expected it to be. Then 5 seconds later, I tell myself that my future is going to be spectacular because that’s the way I look at things: as either SPECTACULAR or on the path to being SPECTACULAR. And then I take a big breath and decide I’m ready to face the workload. Then I go on Facebook. And then when I feel guilty about wasting time, I go on BBC and catch up on world news so that the people in the café around me think I’m a sophisticated, current events enthusiast instead of a no-good, social media zombie.

I’m not sure if all of this is an effect of consuming copious amounts of caffeine. But whatever. 

And now I’m writing a blog. But this form of procrastination I just can’t feel bad about.